I have no idea why, but it seems that since I started this blog I have been collecting lots of ‘Things I wish I could tell my 20/30/40 year old self’ posts, as well as ‘Things The Don’t Tell You About’, and ‘Things You Should Do Before’ articles and more. So I figured I would just steal fragments from a bunch of them and pile it all together into a set of a dozen or so general ways to set yourself up for a happier life!
1. For real happiness, focus on how your life feels instead of how it looks.
It is easy when you are younger to see people who look happy and associate the outer trappings of what they have with the happiness they feel inside. But first, you don’t know if they are happy. And second, chances are it isn’t having a Mercedes or a nice watch or fountain pen that made them happy. Instead look at what drives you, where your passions are, and work on those things – that is how to be happy!
2. Treat Your Body Better (diet and exercise) … That said, your diet is not something you can lord over everyone else’s heads
As I have said, at 48 I am in the best shape of my life, and my body rewards me for taking care of it. We can’t control everything that happens in life, but give yourself the best chance to have a long life with the only body you will every have.
But when making choices, remember they are YOUR choices. So if you choose to be Paleo or Vegan or Fruitarian or a junk-food junkie (good lord have pity on you), enjoy yourself … but remember you are not BETTER than others for your choices.
3. Don’t be afraid of your own voice.
You are unique, special and important … and you only have one voice – so use it. I remember in college writing music for an electronic music class, and I had a thought in my head based on some works by others I had heard, but no matter what, it came out with a funked-up jazzy feel. I realized that was my musical voice, and no matter how I tried to compose a certain way it was coming through. The same is true with blogging, and even writing reports and presentations at work. Instead of trying to mold yourself after others, celebrate who you are.
4. Mortality is very inconvenient. It ruins a lot of weekends.
As I said on Instagram the other day, there has been a load of recent information about the deaths and health issues of friends that has caused me to reflect. We are all going to die, and generally aren’t sent an calendar reminder of when it is coming. So we have to live in a way that makes our days worthwhile.
5. Marriage doesn’t complete you.
Your validation comes not from another person or a legal institution … but from within. Celebrate the person you are – because YOU complete you. Once you realize that you are complete, you are better positioned to give yourself fully to your marriage or relationship.
6. What other people say and do has nothing to do with you. It is a reflection of them.
This has come up many times, most recently from Carmy, but it is important to note – that when someone says something harsh or judgmental or spiteful or otherwise negative, it comes from their own place of negativity that has nothing to do with you. But internalizing these things it gives them more power over you.
7. Falling down is a mandatory aspect of life. Getting back up is living.
We ALL fail … and pretty often, on anything from a very minor to very major basis. It WILL happen, even to people who don’t like to admit it. It is how you respond to these failures that informs on the type of person you are.
8. You don’t know everything, and that is okay
One of my pet peeves (wow, I seem to have a lot lately) is people who refuse to acknowledge that they don’t know things. Look – we ALL don’t know things, and sometimes we don’t know stuff we SHOULD know, and maybe even learned at some point. Oh well – forgot. It is just fine – and with smartphones you don’t even have to run back to your office/dorm to grab the book containing what you forgot.
9. The only person holding you back is yourself.
This came up with Michele’s post last week – and in posts both she and Hollie (and others)talked about the mental aspects of running. But it applies everywhere – once you have decided you cannot do something, it is done. If you decide you can it is no guarantee – but never underestimate the power of self-validation.
10. Everything in your life is a reflection of a choice you made. If you want a new outcome, make a different choice.
Basically, if you do what you’ve always done, you’ll get what you’ve always gotten.
11. You Both Have to Change to Make the Marriage Work
This might seem counter-intuitive since common wisdom is to never enter a relationship with a ‘fix it up’ mentality, but the reality is that change will naturally occur as two people meld their lives together as one. But it is also important to maintain your identity and individuality in the relationship.
12. Consider the other side of the story.
You are not the singular purveyor of TRUTH. Chances are your point of view is different than many other people … so listen, you might learn something. Also, be willing to learn.
13. The best advice is felt in your heart not directed from your head.
Do you ever notice how certain things people said to you echo across the years, remain mantras and fuel your passions? These are not just words committed to memory, but feelings etched into your soul.
14. The sooner you can like yourself, the easier life will be.
The old saying is you cannot be truly loved until you love yourself and realize that you are worth loving. SO get to it … because you are awesome just how you are.
15. Accumulating “stuff” is stupid.
Over a certain amount, getting more money doesn’t add to your happiness. And when you get more money the first thing that happens is more spending – so your effective ‘wealth’ remains pretty constant. And what happens with ‘stuff’? Either it is something that will need replacing when the new version arrives next year, or you will end up not caring about it in a while. Regardless it is all just stuff – perhaps it allows you to momentarily show off to someone … but exactly what benefit is that?
16. Communication is absolutely vital
In any relationship, hiding things is the express route to failure. Communication is critical if you want to have a successful relationship. And it isn’t just the basic act of communication – you need to be open and honest with those you care about, and find a way of sharing your feelings and things that really matter. Make a prioritized list if you need help doing this – no one will judge you if they actually care.
17. Do not waste your time on people and things you don’t absolutely care about
You know how many people can have 100 people in a room, and 99 say something nice and the other one says something critical … yet the voice they hear is that negative one? Yeah, WAY too many! Don’t rent out your mind-space to other people who you don’t care about, and don’t let them control your life. It just isn’t worth it!
18. Marriage isn’t hard if you like each other!
This is a simplification as all relationships have ups and downs, but when you are operating from a place where the first instinct is teamwork and shared solutions … you’re already halfway there!
19. Try New Things – Step Outside Your Comfort Zone
Find music or movies or games you hate, and take the time to experience them with an open mind. Maybe you will never like John Zorn or David Lynch or first-person shooters, but it is always better to make choices from an informed place. Here is some Anthony Braxton to help you along. 🙂
20. Make Time For Yourself – Always
No matter how busy you are with work and family and whatever else … remember to always find a few minutes each day that is only about you. Maybe it is on your run, maybe you sit in the car for 5 minutes before heading into work. Whatever it is, own it and make it your own.
21. Leave the Internet Behind Every Now and Then – Don’t Worry, It Will Still Be Here When You Return
My ‘mostly unplugged’ weekends have been incredibly rewarding. They allow you to be truly ‘in the moment’, and by allowing yourself SOME amount of connection you free yourself from that being a huge concern.
22. People will steal everything you do.
This is ironic because all of these points come from a dozen or so different posts I have been collecting in drafts for the last year! But don’t be so possessive of your ideas that you don’t share freely – because then you lose the joy, and will eventually lose exclusivity to the idea anyway.
What thoughts do YOU have for a brighter future?
Running Around the Bend 
Great post. Just the other day I had a major wrench tossed in my works. As I drove across town I told my self, it’s not what happens to you, it’s how you react to it. I immediately began to look at the positive aspects of what I had to deal with and forgot about the things I wasn’t getting done that day. All the stuff I didn’t get done was waiting for me the next day, and I had an eveing that I could never have planned.
I could probably write a comment on each of your points.
Well done! Andy
I think that is really hard to remember – the extent to which we control the flow of any given situation based on how we react and handle things.
Great thoughts! Every one is a great reminder! The thing that I need to remind myself is this: it’s okay to make plans but never assume they are concrete. My best adventures and experiences were when plans didn’t work the way I wanted.
Thanks Bryan!
That is a lesson to learn in this GPS-centric and always-on world – that sometimes you find yourself by getting lost, get connected by disconnecting.
As always, I am loving what you have to say today. Especially thoughts on marriage. It pains me when I hear people say their spouse completes them or they are looking for someone to complete them. As if they are incomplete without someone beside them.
Absolutely agree!
I honestly believe that marriage can create a whole that is greater than the sum of parts … but th einverse can also be true. The bottom line is that everyone needs to be whole within themselves!
I love this today. With a very big change on the horizon for me and me having a lot of nerves about it, I needed to read all of this. Especially #8. 🙂
It is so easy to feel insecure and inadequate – especially in new places or situations! I am sure you’ll rock whatever you do … but since we all make mistakes every day, why sweat it? 🙂
Wiser words have never been spoken! Thanks for a great go-to to refer back to at any time. I love all the ones about marriage especially and can completely relate to every single one. How do you manage to say smart stuff every single day?
Thanks Michele – I think it is because I am totally awesome (my wife would be eye-rolling now) haha … actually as I say these things have accumulated so I have to give credit to a bunch of people I never copied links to properly attribute … 🙂 And I think that it never hurts any of us to stop and think about this stuff, really.
As always another great post. I may have to print this out and save it for my daughter when she’s a little older. I’ve totally realized #1 over the past few years. Maybe it has come with maturity, but I’m completely happy where I’m at in life and with my current lot in life. Doesn’t mean I’m not going to strive for more at some point or another, but I’ll be happy doing it.
Thanks Sara – I am glad you have found peace in where you are, it is very hard. Society pressures us to equate many external things with ‘success’ and ‘happiness’ – something we have tried to avoid passing to our own kids (hard when they love music and movies and those are very consumer-driven and money-centric areas!). Happiness comes from within – and I think all of us need to be reminded of that, maybe every day 🙂
Uggh I struggle so much with “acquiring stuff.” I grew up in a house where we went to tag sales/auctions/flea markets every weekend, where furniture was changed out on a regular basis “just because,” and where birthdays and Christmas were (and still are) events for dozens of presents, lots of which is useless junk. I have SO MUCH STUFF and I’m such a pack rat, and I’m always buying new stuff without even thinking about it. I try to be more mindful, but it’s just so ingrained in me it’s hard not to judge my lifestyle or the lifestyle of others based on “stuff.”
It is definitely a challenge – because ‘the quest for stuff’ is engrained in all of our society. I mean, we feed into it with one-year cell phone cycles, new computers and tablets every couple of years, and on and on. Companies don’t even stress with compatibliity anymore because we always just get new stuff. And I don’t claim to be great … we live in a big house with loads of nice stuff. But it is a quest 🙂
Amen sir. I always enjoy reading stuff like this because it serves as a reminder for life and usually gives me something new to work on. For me, continuing to accept and love who I am on my own is a big one as is focusing more on experiences rather than things. Still too easy to want more/think I’ll be happier with more even when I know that’s not true. Experiences are where I want to spend money. I also want to continue working on trusting that everything happens for a reason, and I will figure things out as I’m supposed to. And I hope that Joe and I continue to grow together and as individuals and that we celebrate it all
Thanks Caitlin – it is hard to not build an identity through other stuff – job, relationships, kids, etc. But those all need to be extras, just aspects of us and not the whole. And as you say – for all the stuff you have going now that is a very real thing for you. But you are awesome and will be great!
Whenever people ask what you would tell your younger self, I really do struggle. I think that you have some really great truths up there, and hard lessons learned. But that is just the thing. LEARNING and therefore KNOWING is different from just being told. Sitting here now, with the knowledge that I lived with morality and ethics, I don’t think I would wish to have been told anything rather than learning it. That said, I am in a good place, I have a good life, I have worked hard, and it hasn’t always ended up the way I thought that it should, but it has made this little being what it is. And i don’t think that would have happened had I not learned the hard way!
Absolutely agree Suz!
I also think that while you could TELL yourself these things … would you listen? Who knows … and there is no universal wisdom out there, parents need to work it out themselves, as do couples and just people. We all need to sort out who we are and what life will mean for us. 🙂
I think points 1 & 15 tie together. There are so many studies about how an acquisition of material goods that you want usually leads to a temporary spike in happiness, but then the effect is gone as you become accustomed to having that big TV or whatever. It basically ceases to bring you joy after that initial spike. And to me, it’s funny because I think one of my bigger material splurges was my car — now 11 years old — but I splurged to get a fancy-ish convertible, and I swear, I put the top down at least once a month and it’s like that spike of happiness every time. It turns a regular drive to work or home from yoga into something that makes me so happy. But yeah, I think it’s generally true about acquiring stuff and that rule is pretty much one of our financial philosophies for our marriage — spend on experiences not items.
Oh my gosh, this post is amazing. I feel like I’m reading 21 Secrets for your 20s all over again. & that pretty much got me through my 25th birthday without tears 🙂
#10 and #14 are my favorites. It’s sad that I only realized over the past couple years what a positive different loving yourself makes. When I don’t spend time hating on myself, I’m no longer jealous of others, and I have time for happier thoughts. & more self-confidence to boot!
Thanks so much – and it is so true, we are so quick to find what is wrong with ourselves, we really need to spend more time looking at what is right! 🙂
For some pointless reason, I get stuck on #4 all the time. I’m not sure what my problem is, but it’s a waste of my time to worry over my mortality beyond making sure I take care of myself.
I’ve seen lists before, or letters, people have for their younger selves but I’ve never even really thought about it for myself. I think the biggest one, if I had that opportunity, would be to tell myself that it wasn’t my fault my mother is the way she is.
Fear of death – for ourselves or our kids – can be paralyzing. But we deal with risk all the time in so many ways, it is hard to totally avoid it, and ultimately you really can’t live without risk 🙂 That doesn’t stop it from seeping into our brains!
And I agree on the lists … I wonder what I would tell myself, and how it would influence my life as an adult.